Ranger Sirius and His RecordKeeping
by done.with.marblesxx
Summary: "Now we're crammed in here. With our privates pressing up against each others' buttocks. It's the most embarrassing circumstance that has occurred in my entire life. I want to bang my head against a wall. But there are no walls in stupid camping."
1. Day 1

**Ranger Sirius and His Record-Keeping**

_Dedicated to my lovely friend, Gracie Grace, for her sixteenth birthday!_

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><p><strong>Author's Note: <strong>Bundles and bundles of profanity as I believe fits Sirius' character. Really, it's rated T for a reason. Hope you enjoy the story as much as (I think) Gracie Grace did!

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><p><strong>DAY 1: Campgrounds<strong>

Finally arrived at Camp Sucks-A-Lot. Still can't believe Remus willingly spent his childhood in forests with his parents. Even with his _furry little problem_, how can someone love the woods so much?

Everyone voted me as record-keeper, the bastards. They think it's funny, me leaning over the fucking journal, writing, but oh _no_, it's not funny. Hate them. Wish Remus didn't have the tradition of keeping a journal per camping trip. What can there be to write about the forest anyway?

Glad we're staying only a week. Or something.

**DAY 1: Campgrounds**

Setting up camp.

Task List

_Evans' Personal Slave: _Starting fire. Failing at it miserably. He doesn't know what he's doing. I'm tossing him pine cones to burn but he keeps getting angry. Really amusing.

_Ugly Furry Arse-Face:_ Organizing the supplies (personal belongings & food supply). Keeps asking if we think we have "enough food to sustain us through the winter." He's making a bad joke. Told him but was ignored.

_Blond Dumpling: _Setting up tent, but I don't know why the hell we made _him _do it. We all know Peter has no knack with canvas ever since he almost suffocated himself and Gracie Denbow with a monstrous tent thing in sixth year. I think he was trying to be romantic. I'm not sure.

_The Most Beautiful and Handsome Wizard __On Earth__ In the Galaxy: _Record-keeping. Rather brilliantly too. Can't touch this. Yow.

**DAY 1, Campgrounds**

_Ugly Furry Arse-Face _yelled at me for some reason. I yelled back at his head, but everyone blew up at me. What the hell.

Set on the task list of helping _Evans' Personal Slave _with building fire. Even though I told them I have to be recording stuff like _U.F.A.F. _(_Ugly Furry Arse-Face_) told me to. I mean, I was elected to this position. It's very important.

"Stop sitting on your arse, get up and help, for Merlin's sake!" Whoa, _U.F.A.F. _Your face is getting a little red. Then _E.P.S. _(_Evans' Personal Slave_) was all, "Who do you think you are?"

Sirius Black. Or: _The Most Beautiful and Handsome Wizard In the Galaxy_. Duh.

For fuck's sake, why don't we just use our wands to light the damn sticks? Screw tradition, it's tradition for wizards all around the world. _Gimme _that, James Potter–

**DAY 1, Campgrounds**

I AM GOING TO DIE.

No, you prats, I didn't "run out of shampoo" or "leave my comb at home." Shut up. I care about how I look, but I'm not a bloody woman. I'm a hard-arse man. Hard-arse man who eats raw meat and kills mountain lions with my bare hands. That's right.

But this hard-arse man is going to die. _We are all going to die._

Why?

WE LEFT OUR BLOODY WANDS AT HOME, FOR MERLIN'S SAKE.

Don't even know how this happened. Head is _throbbing_. So sure I put it in my pocket, but is not there. How is this even possible? How is this scenario even possible? We're on the verge–no, we are _in _war–and we're going to be participating in the resistance movement, for fuck's sake, and we forget our wands at home. What kind of lame, unprepared people are we?

Everyone seemed pretty bummed about it too (although I think Peter was bummed about no fire, not bummed about the shame of failing as resistance members). Remus looked lost for a second. For the first time in my life, Remus Lupin looks lost.

Applause. An unforgettable moment that will never be repeated again.

At least, I hope not.

**DAY 1, Campgrounds**

Remus gave us a pep talk. "We're going to be okay. We're full-grown wizards. We'll just hunt, gather, fish a bit as we go down the mountain to find some settlement. We'll find a Floo Network there, for sure." (Because our Portkey was a _stick_ so now we can't find it in the bloody stick-covered forest. Whose bright idea was it to make a stick the Portkey?)

My question of, "What if it's a Muggle town?" was ignored.

No one believes his shit, but we let him go on because it makes him feel better about the situation. Being a "leader" and all. Maybe he knows we don't believe him. He'll sure know when he reads this later.

**DAY 1, Campgrounds**

Everyone is hungry and we can't start a fire. Merlin.

**DAY 1, Campgrounds**

Dinner was horrible.

The wood was wet. Even Remus, the Boy Scout and Professional Camper, gave up.

We had only cold cans of beans as the only food that did not require cooking.

A lot of suggestions of going out and picking berries or mushrooms. Anything other than beans. I suggested we stop whining and eat it cold.

Boy, do I regret that.

The beans were terrible. Soggy. Cold. Nasty. And the fucking can wouldn't open. It made me swear a lot and my swearing made everyone else uncomfortable. Remus told me I need to have my mouth washed out with soap. Whatever.

Remus ate his entire can enthusiastically. I think he was just showing off so he appears "strong" and a "leader". I stared at my beans for a while. They looked like rubber penises. I pointed this out and Peter refused to eat his can. Remus glared at me. So did James.

I was thirsty the entire time. The rubber penises–_beans_–were washed in salty liquid. I told Peter that was semen. He definitely refused to eat it after that. So did James.

Now everyone's mad at me. Remus threatened to kick my arse.

Camping is horrible.

**DAY 1, Campgrounds**

Setting up the tent. Remus was having trouble with instructions. Couldn't find the English side. I laughed at him so he threw something at me. I dodged it though.

It got better though. James set up poles and Peter pulled the canvas over it. I stood inside and held everything up. Remus read the instructions aloud. We were all pretty quiet. I think we were thinking about our wands at home and trying to figure out _how _this happened. We're usually not this stupid. (Evans would probably say, "I disagree," but she's not here so it doesn't matter.)

**DAY 1, Tent**

Another problem with not having our wands: Our tent's inside is not enlarged yet. We were going to do that on the campsite. Another issue with not being properly prepared.

We really have to cram for all four of us giant teenage boys to fit in the tent. We have to lay sideways and poke each other with our bulgy bits. It's extremely uncomfortable and embarrassing and perverted at the same time.

I offered to sleep outside. So did James. Then two people could sleep comfortably in the tent while the two others would sleep staring at the stars. It was a really good idea.

Until it started raining.

Seriously. Rain. Rain sucks. I hate camping so much.

Now we're crammed in here. With our privates pressing up against each others' buttocks. It is the most embarrassing, uncomfortable, disgusting, perverted circumstance that has occurred in my entire seventeen years. I want to bang my head against a wall. But there are no walls in stupid camping.

We drew straws to see how would get the outside and thus, less contact from everyone else. Remus and Peter won. Stupid buggers.

The outside's dark with its shower of rain. We're glad the tent's at least water-proof and the sleeping bags and pillows are warm. It's kind of cozy in here.

GAH! I just moved my hand to a different position and it ended up against Remus' arse! He glared back at me and I was like, "Whoa. Sorry. So didn't mean that." He was just like, "Get away from me." Which is a dumb thing to say. We can't get away from each other in this tent.

Honestly, I should've just taken the rain.

Merlin, James better not have some perverted dream about Evans. I don't want something prodding up my arsehole all night. That would be even more embarrassing and uncomfortable.

Everyone's clambering for sleep. Night.


	2. Day 2

**DAY 2, Campgrounds**

Even though I warned the pervert not to dream about Evans, he still did. I have a wedgie and a memory of an extremely uncomfortable and traumatic situation I couldn't get out of.

I'm going to piss in his breakfast.

"Think of it this way, Sirius," the pervert laughed. "At least I didn't have a wet dream!"

Oh, ha ha. You are hilarious. Peter has asked us to stop talking about this, so I'll stop. I'm still pissing in the pervert's breakfast though.

**DAY 2, Campgrounds**

Remus' Plan to Get Us Out of This Horrible Situation

Eat breakfast. Pack up camp. Follow the downhill trail. Look out for villagers (they have to come up to the mountain sometimes, right?). Sleep along the trail until we get to village/town/city/metropolis/etc. Hunt/Fish/Gather (as necessary). Bond. Survive.

My Response

Hell no.

**DAY 2, Campgrounds**

Remus ignored me. Said I didn't have a better plan.

…_So? _I still have opinions.

James managed build a decent fire. (Although the wood was wet? What?)

Apparently Peter managed to find a stash of dry sticks under a pile of moss. Or something. I wasn't really listening. I was busy trying to find a way to piss in James' breakfast but Remus is guarding the food like a hormonal mother dragon. Merlin.

We're having hot dogs for breakfast! Yes!

**DAY 2, Campgrounds**

Last time we'll be at this place. Bye-bye. We're packing up and heading down the trail.

**DAY 2, Downward Trail**

James thinks he's a "natural leader" which is sort of is. He was the main man in our seven years as Marauders although none of us were really insubordinates. We just led in different things.

So he says he has a good sense of direction. Remus is useless because he's never used the trail. He always used a Portkey. (Apparently it wasn't a stick in his day–it was a boulder, but the use of discontinued because Muggles kept accidentally sitting on it.)

Even with a pretty confused leader, the downward trail is okay. Everything smells good. Looks pretty, with the flowers and all. I'm kind of enjoying the nature part.

**DAY 2, Wilderness**

The downward trail disappeared.

We don't know what happened. The dirt-packed road is just _gone_. Disappeared. It's just like… I don't know…

We are now on break. Leaders (Remus and James) are trying to figure out an initiative. While Peter looks frightened. He doesn't like darkness. He keeps peering into bushes he thinks is creepy and screams every five minutes when a bunny hops out. I try to tell him this is a Muggle forest and there aren't any magical creatures like at the Forbidden Forest, but after seven years of Howarts, the ingrained part of our logic is "Forest = Violent Death". I see where he's coming from.

Remus looks really serious. So does James. I hope they're doing the leadership thing okay because I want to enjoy the nature stuff and not have to think about the Next Plan of Action like at Hogwarts. That's why we're even on this camping trip. So we can have a breather from having to think critically like at Hogwarts and celebrate our adulthood.

And _I _wanted to hire strippers, buy kegs, and have a rave. But _no_…

**DAY 2, Wilderness**

Made up a new ditty called "Ranger Jamesie".

Ranger Jamesie

_We've been following Ranger Jamesie 'cause he thinks he knows the way;_

_We've been walking around in circles for the whole fuckin' day._

Unappreciated by all, by the way.

**DAY 2, Next to Tree in Wilderness**

Setting up camp. Have been hiking the entire day. Exhausted. Nobody wants to make fire and set up tent. We're eating rubber penises in salty sauce again except I'm not going to talk about it. Writing about this makes me tired.

We're all hoping it doesn't rain. And also that we find the downward trail again. Or end up at the bottom of the mountain even without a trail.


	3. Day 3

**DAY 3, Next to Tree in Wilderness**

For the first time in my life, something went _right_. It did not rain last night. But we were savagely devoured by millions of mosquitoes that took advantage of our exhaustion. Even I wouldn't do that, but these mosquitoes…

Decided to help with/solely create breakfast myself because I'm tired of Remus & James & Peter's whining about how I "never do anything".

Um, excuse me. It's impossible to _not _do something. I'm breathing right now. And digesting. And thinking. And writing. And using my nerves and reflexes to dodge a pine cone James chucked at my head. As if I couldn't see that. I'm so pissing on his breakfast. Git.

**DAY 3, Next to Tree in Wilderness**

I tried to make a fire, but didn't do well. We've been using James' glasses to concentrate sunlight onto sticks so it would catch on fire, but I managed to set a couple shrubs on fire instead of sticks. It made Peter panic and Remus & James _really _mad. They're always mad at me nowadays.

"Hey, hey, I'm sorry, alright?" I was stifling the shrub with my shirt. I guess I would wear a charred shirt for the rest of the trip. "I didn't mean to. You two need to chill out a bit."

"How can I 'chill out a bit'?" James was glaring _way _hard. "We're lost in the bloody forest, we're covered in mosquito bites, and _you're causing fires!_"

"Mate. It's called an accident."

"An accident you could've prevented," Remus began with his wagging finger, but I ignored him. Mister Superior, Mister I'm-So-Cool-Because-I've-Been-Camping-Before was getting on my nerves. First, he makes us come camping. Then I have to be the "record-keeper". Then we're lost and stranded without wands for defense. Now we're covered in mosquito bites and will probably contract malaria and die.

"If we're already fighting and it's only Day 3, then we're definitely going to die in this forest." Something about Peter's interrupting statement made sense. The three of us shook hands while Peter nodded over our handshakes.

It was really awkward when we shook hands because we had to shake hands with _both _our hands so it looked like we made a Ring-Around-the-Rosy circles or something. Needless to say, I pulled my hand away quickly.

**DAY 3, Wilderness**

Another chart-topping ditty called "Ranger Remmy".

Ranger Remmy

_We've been following Ranger Remmy 'cause he thinks he knows the way;_

_We've been walking around in circles for the whole fuckin' day._

Equally unappreciated. I muttered it under my breath though.

**DAY 3, Wilderness**

If I have to eat rubber penises for lunch after three consecutive meals of that very substance, I'm going to fall over and die a horrible, painful death that will make my body writhe and my mind explode with venomous nightmares.

Peter thinks I'm being dramatic, but I think I'm just good at elaborating. It makes me a good liar. Years of practice, children.

When Remus and James were arguing over navigation (Remus wanted to go left while James wanted right), I sharpened a stick. Peter napped on a boulder. Wished it was Remus' Portkey thing, but it wasn't.

Now I'm looking for a prey. Remus and James are currently insulting each other (no better than the insults I came up with in third year, the lame gits).

_Ooh_, a squirrel's staring at snoring Peter. Who knew Peter was so attractive? To animals, anyway.

I'm going to try to the get the squirrel.

**DAY 3, Wilderness (I'M INJURED!)**

TRYING TO GET THE SQUIRREL WAS A DUMB IDEA. MY GIT MATES KEEP LAUGHING AT ME AND IT'S NOT FUNNY. I ALMOST DIED.

**DAY 3, Wilderness (Still injured, but okay)**

I'm a little more calm now. I'm all bandaged up and was given some brandy for compensation for pain. (I never knew that's how medicine worked. You're injured? Booze. I want to be a Healer now except James told me not to be ridiculous. We'll see who's ridiculous when he has a dire case of the Dragon Pox and needs treatment right away from Doctor Sirius.)

When I crept forward, trying to get the squirrel, I was really close to stabbing its belly and all. But Peter snored right then and the squirrel looked _right at me _and my stick! I never knew squirrels even knew what sharp sticks meant I thought they had no brains or something.

Remus says I'm thinking of worms and I said you would know, they're your relatives. Remus hit me.

You know, I could keep this journal this entire week then publish it, showing the abuse my "mates" have put me through. Verbal, physical, even _sexual _abuse. Even though my comments on James' boner pressing against my arsehole might be too embarrassing to publish. And a bit graphic too. Ew…

Anyway, the squirrel looked at me and my sharp stick. Looked at me up and down. The shiny eyes sparkled and then–

THE SQUIRREL LAUNCHED ITSELF ONTO MY FACE.

I'm not even joking. The sharp claws dug into my bloody face. And that use of "bloody" is not metaphorical. My face really was bloody.

The squirrel was like, "_Cackcackcackcack!_" or whatever noise squirrels make. It was biting my head like it was a fucking _nut _or something. I was like, "_Ahh!_" and tried to pry it off my head.

You know what my mates did when I was subject to a violent injury by a crazy squirrel with the sharpest claws in the world?

No, they didn't rush up to me and help, like you think your mates would do.

They laughed. _Laughed. _

Pissing in all their breakfasts, lunches, and dinners. Even midnight snacks.

James managed to pull the squirrel off my face and the squirrel _cack cack_-ed a bit more before bounding off and climbing a tree. It deployed some acorn bombs from the three. It hit Peter so it was okay except he grumbled about it.

Excuse me, _my face was clawed off. _An acorn fell on your leg. Get over it.

Remus says I'm really unsympathetic after he read that sentence over my shoulder. Get over it, Remus. You made me the record-keeper so I'm going to record-keep all my mean opinions too.

Remus looked at my face and bandaged me up, wiping off the blood and all. He said I should probably get a tetanus shot, whatever that is. I hope it's not important because I don't think we're going to get to any village at the bottom of the mountain anytime soon, considering the rate of our travel. I don't think we're even going in the right direction.

This is why camping's fun. Or so Remus tries to tell us in his "leader" voice.

I want to smack him.

**DAY 3, Some Trail**

We're not on the Downward Trail. We might be, but we don't know if it's the same one as before. James found this one when we were having a rest break.

The trail's smooth, going forward right now. Remus thinks it's a downward slope though.

**DAY 3, Next to Some Trail**

Packing down for the night. Gathered sticks and helped James with fire. His glasses caught the last rays of the sun before it set. Thank goodness or we would be eating rubber penises again.

We're having hot dogs again. And some cooked pineapples because Peter wanted some. We're glad at least our water bottles are constantly refilling because they're Constantly Refilling Water Bottles we tampered with before we got here. At least we don't have to go look for creeks. Remus says that's detrimental in a survival situation. He sure is a Boy Scout.

We're all manly men so we don't like to admit that we're scared, but I think everyone's scared. I mean, _I'm _not because I'm too cool and brave to be scared, but I can see in Peter's & James' & Remus' face that they're scared. Or at least worried how this is going to turn out.

Everyone's probably in the scared mood because the campfire lights up our face from below so we look like ghosts. You know that _Lumos _trick where you hold your wand under your chin? Yeah. That effect. It would even freak out Dumbledore. I want to try it on him, actually.

I tried to make everyone feel better. Even though annoying my mates is my pastime, I still care about these bastards. I can't have them be in that scared mood. Then they'll turn to perverted thoughts to comfort them and the awkwardness that comes with seeing your mate's boner is one I can't deal with right now. Merlin.

"How hard can it be to go downhill?" I said casually. "We're going to fine, you sissy blokes. Moss grows on the North side."

"Thank you for that worthless piece of information," James said dryly. "Now I'm sure we can find civilization and save our arses."

"It's not worthless. A compass is important."

"Whatever." But I noticed James smiling a bit so that's a good sign. I talked about some normal things like girls and Firewhiskey, just to distract them from the fact a wolf could possibly live in the forest and kill us all.

"Remus, how are you doing with Vance? Is she still toying with you?"

Remus sighed into the fire, but he smiled too. "I kissed her cheek Wednesday."

"Lame," James smirked.

"Isn't _that _cute?" I smirked too.

"Shut up," Remus growled at both of us. Peter chuckled. Then I knew we were going to feel better. Nothing like a little Remus-growling to make people feel better.

Now we're talking about old pranks. This could take all night.


	4. Day 4

**Author's Note: **Quick review reply because I was amused by the review-

Mario: Gracie Grace got a story because it was her birthday! Maybe if you tell me your birthday, you'll get a story dedicated to you then... Just a thought...

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><p><strong>DAY 4, Some Part of Wilderness<strong>

Remus was Little Miss Sunshine this morning. He screamed into our ears and pulled us up, hopping around like a constipated leprechaun. He really wanted to wake me up because apparently, I "sleep way too much like a damn hibernating bear". Where did he even get that?

We had hot dog buns for breakfast then Remus pushed us onward. I guess he had some enlightening dream because he was whistling and pushing us down a path we never thought of. This path in the wilderness had a bit of a slope. I was all cheered up.

Then I had to piss. No one was very receptive.

This is how it went:

Heartwarming Conversation in the Forest

R: SIRIUS-BLOODY-BLACK! WHY DIDN'T YOU GO EARLIER?

S: I didn't have to _go _earlier. And you didn't even give us a piss-break, Mister Chipper-In-The-Morning. Just pull us up and whoop-di-doo. Now where's the loo?

J: We've established this. We're in the woods. There is no loo.

P: [laughs]

S: Shut up. I meant a makeshift loo.

R: [points] Go in the bushes.

S: _Those _bushes? They're thorny!

J: Thorny bushes are good for you. They put hair on your chest.

P: More like blisters on your penis. [laughs again]

S: [to Peter] Will you shut up? [to James] You too.

R: Fine, go in those bushes then. They're not thorny. They'll treat your penis well, you little bloated flobberworm.

S: Alright, alright. You all turn around.

P: Why do we have to turn around for?

S: So I can have my privacy!

J: What privacy? You've been blurting your secrets to us since first year! We all know who you slept with and all the rashes you've ever had in compromising places the past seven years.

S: That kind of privacy doesn't exist between mates. Naked privacy in the woods exists between mates. [responding to stares] Just turn around, alright?

P: _Why?_

R: Don't ask him Peter…

S: So you lot don't _stare_!

J: Why would we stare?

S: Perverted curiosity. And jealousy.

J: Of…?

S: You know _what._ Shut up and turn around.

R: Are you sure it's not because you're worried we'll mock you? We know it's tiny…

S: SHUT UP AND TURN AROUND!

P: Ooh, touchy.

S: [rude sign]

J: [whispering] Peter, how do you know how big he is…?

I care more about my bladder than maintaining my cover of sanity.

**DAY 4, Some Part of Wilderness**

As we headed _downhill _(here we come, village!), I thought I saw a bear and screamed. Then Peter freaked out, and Remus & James exchanged freaked-out looks but I realized it was a bush. I said sorry but everyone still wanted to throw pine cones at my head. Especially Peter since he almost started rolling down the hill and that could've killed him.

**DAY 4, Some Part of Wilderness**

Remus called for a break after lunch. He said we should do some normal camping things while we were heading downhill. (He said he _knew _this would lead downhill and to the village. Remembered some thing he learned from History of Magic or something. I forget what it was, exactly.)

So we took a break from walking after lunch. Then Remus took a nap on another boulder. What's with all these boulders in this forest? Peter started making rabbit traps. James and I decided to look around the forest to find something awesome to trick the other two with.

"Don't go far," Peter said in a Remus-like way. "We don't have our wands so if you get hurt or die, then we can't really do anything about it. We're going to work it out the Muggle way."

"Yeah, yeah," James said. "We'll be careful." Then we left.

Now we're collecting some of the berries we found in the bushes. First of all, they're not poisonous. I know what they are. They grew around the Grimmuald Place garden and I always tricked Regulus into eating them. He always thought they were blueberries.

We'll pick a bunch, give it to Remus and Peter, and laugh as they gag from the bad taste. James likes the idea.

He wants me to collect some berries, actually, instead of record-keeping. "You're becoming one of those pubescent girls who write down every little feeling and insecurity they have," he told me. "Get over here and help me pick these berries."

Whatever. I'm the official record-keeper. I _have_ to write things down.

**DAY 4, Some Part of Wilderness**

LAUGHING SO HARD RIGHT NOW.

**DAY 4, Some Part of Wilderness**

Remus and Peter were totally not expecting bad-tasting berries when me and James handed it to them, totally innocent. We were all, "We tried these berries and they tasted okay so we brought them back. They're not poisonous because we're still alive." Remus looked like he believed us because he took a berry. Peter took a handful.

And the _faces _they made!

Remus looked like some mutated flubberworm and fire slug crossbreed. He _twitched _and made this awful expression. And gagged. Always a plus.

And _Peter!_ He looked like a kneazle passing a kidney stone, complete with the grunting! He nearly did a flip, twitched, and barfed all the berries back up. Then he started whining, "_Ew ew ew ew!_"

James and I fell over laughing.

I guess they still don't forgive us because they're not talking to us. Aw, too bad. If they were talking to us, I would've found different berries for them to try. Ha ha.

**DAY 4, Tree in Some Part of Wilderness**

Around a fire. Remus almost pushed me into it, but restrained himself. He's still sore about the berry trick.

We're having "bonding time". According to Remus, it's important to be better friends and build trust in a survival situation, especially since James and I compromised that trust by feeding him and Peter foul-tasting berries. Whatever. They would've done the same thing if they knew about those berries.

Toasting marshmallows and more hot dogs. Delicious. Burnt all of my marshmallows and tried to give them to Peter, but he didn't want them. Then he smacked my arm. Jerk.


	5. Day 5

**DAY 5, Some Part of Wilderness (**_**Really **_**Downhill!)**

Peter's squirrel traps caught a squirrel. It was really surprising when we woke up this morning and found a dead squirrel. James found it first so he screamed, naturally. I would've made fun of him, but I didn't after I saw the squirrel. It's pretty nasty-looking.

I asked Peter why he knew how to make those traps, but he just smiled. He really can be a scary bastard sometimes.

Remus knew how to "clean the squirrel" even though he was just ripping out the guts like Jack the Ripper. Or should I say, Remus the Ripper? Hey, an alliteration! Yes James, I know what that is. What a git.

We're eating cold hot dogs for breakfast and saving the squirrel corpse for dinner. I don't know if I can eat that squirrel corpse…

**DAY 5, Some Part of Wilderness**

PETER SPOTTED SOME HOUSES. THERE'S DEFINITELY A VILLAGE AND WE'RE ALL GOING TO SURVIVE!

**DAY 5, New Trail**

Found a trail as we were walking around wilderness. Everyone's in high spirits. _Finally _spotted some village. Muggle or not, we're saved! Remus says we'll probably make it in a day or so. Excited beyond anything. My mouth keeps hanging open in a grin.

FINALLY OUT OF THIS WILDERNESS!

**DAY 5, Tree Next to New Trail**

Tired. New Trail is rocky. A lot of fallen trees to climb over. Peter is building a fire. I've been gathering sticks for the past hour. Achy.

Remus is taking out the squirrel corpse. Maybe I _will _eat it…

**DAY 5, Tree Next to New Trail**

Ended up eating squirrel corpse. It just smelled so good… I needed some fresh meat anyway…

We're all exhausted. Remus pushed for speed so we sped up and now we're dying. I wish we had our wands then I could–

Remus told me to stop writing. It's getting dark. I wouldn't be able to see anyway. James bragged _he_ could see perfectly in the dark. Ran into a tree just as he said that. I'm laughing.

'Night then.


	6. Day 6

**DAY 6, Tree Next to New Trail**

Physical assessment: Dirt-matted, oily hair from lack of washing; dirt and scratch-covered face; mud-covered clothing with my shirt all charred; shoes that are wearing out. At least I brush my teeth every night. I guess that small show of hygiene is a little comforting.

Mental assessment: Messed up. Seriously.

Morale assessment: Better. But still tired and cursing the name Remus Lupin for bringing us to a forest.

At least we'll be getting to the village soon.

**DAY 6, New Trail**

WE ARE ALMOST THERE. TAKING A QUICK REST BREAK SO WE DON'T FALL OVER FROM EXHAUSTION.

**DAY 6, At the End of New Trail**

We can see the village alright. It's a weird-looking village though. Doesn't matter. As long as we get home.

This is a lunch break. Eating the last cans of pineapples. We're so stupid for not bringing different kinds of food. Just pineapples, hot dogs, rubber penises, buns, and condiments. Remus said we were going to gather food and fish and stuff, but it didn't work out so well. Especially after the berries incident.

Doesn't matter! We're almost there! Forward march, men!

**DAY 6, "Village"**

I am in the bath. A _bubble _bath.

Usually, I never take bubble baths because I'm a manly man, but I am willing to make an exception for this occasion. Mmm… I am in heaven.

So the village turned out to be an ALL-GIRLS COLLEGE. _Seriously_. Heaven!

We looked pretty frightful, dirt-covered and all, but Remus led us to some administrative house and they just looked at us, listened to Remus explain our situation, then sent us to the Student Housing where they have baths. But we're being strictly guarded so we don't rape the girls. As if.

We've been promised a dinner in the Cafeteria after this and a bed to sleep in. We're expected to leave tomorrow though, but maybe we'll infringe on their hospitality a bit longer…

_Mmm_… Heaven on earth…

**DAY 6, ALL-GIRLS COLLEGE!**

At dinner right now. My mates are glowing with happiness although James looks uncomfortable. Probably thinking of Evans back home. Whatever. It's not they're married or anything. As long as James doesn't snog any of the girls, it's not cheating.

Girls are _crowding _us. And they're really hot, too. Sitting next to me is a girl named Emily. She has the sweetest smile. She's feeding me my mashed potatoes. _Heaven_, I tell you.

Remus looks a bit disgusted at that, but he has his own girl ministering to him. His girl has blond curls and her name is Anna. Peter has a brunette with the longest eyelashes I've ever seen. Her name's Rebecca. James has a redhead (funny how these things work) named Bella.

We are in heaven. I just pulled Emily a little closer to me. Hint hint?

**DAY 6, ALL GIRLS COLLEGE!**

Pitch black outside. I'm so happy.

I snogged Emily for most of free time after dinner. Then after the free time, _other _things…

_Mmm_, she was _fine_. I don't know what my mates were doing, but it doesn't matter. _They_ didn't get to see Emily. She is hot. Best day ever.


	7. Day 7

**DAY 7, ALL GIRLS COLLEGE!**

Exchanging stories before breakfast. I was the only one who shagged anyone, but everyone else at least got to snogging. (Even James! We're not allowed to tell Evans though. And it was only for like, three minutes, so it's not _that _bad.)

Why are these girls going to an all girls college? They're too hot to be stuck here like nuns. Remus says the curriculum's really rigorous, but I ignored him. Why does he even know that?

**DAY 7, ALL GIRLS COLLEGE!**

Trying to make a _telephone _call. (Did I get it right that time, Remus? Not _fellytone_?) This is a Muggle school which I kind of figured since nobody has a wand handy. Anyway.

One of the girls lent us money and now we're trying to call the Order. I never knew they had a Muggle telephone number. Apparently it's for emergencies when Order members are stranded somewhere. We're not really Order members yet, but we can still use it. Good thing Remus memorized the number.

I'm kind of glad Remus is here because James & Peter & I do _not _know how to work the telephone. Yeah, I took Muggle Studies, but it was mostly to piss off my hag of a "mother" and I spent my time flirting in that class so I retained nothing. Remus is a half-blood so at least he has a bit of experience with these things.

_Oh! _I think we got through!

**DAY 7, ALL GIRLS COLLEGE!**

All the girls are in their classes. Emily wanted to skip, but I told her to go to class which has a rigorous curriculum. She laughed when I said that, but did leave. With promises to come back and shag, of course. Well, not those exact words, but still.

We're lying in our beds, staring at the ceiling and waiting for classes to be over. And maybe for Evans to get here.

Remus talked to McGonagall who was surprised to get the call. I don't know how _she _knows how to work the telephone, but she's a professor so she knows a lot of useless things.

McGonagall was all _nod nod _through the phone and told us she would contact Evans and have her get here. She wanted to know where we were and Remus told her, "Beverley College which is an all girls college." Then she sighed and said, "Of course _you _four would somehow end up at an all girls college…"

Evans is coming with our wands so we can all Apparate. I hope she doesn't get here before Emily. Kind of wanted a last romp in bed.

**DAY 7, ALL GIRLS COLLEGE!**

Emily was available for a last romp in bed. We're at lunch now, trying to act normal. Her foot is crawling up my leg. _Mmm_… Maybe we'll need another last romp…

**DAY 7, ALL GIRLS COLLEGE!**

Emily gave me her telephone number (?) and I asked for her address instead. Said I liked writing letters. All her friends said that was "_so _romantic!" Um, okay. I just want to send her owl mail instead of using the telephone which I'm hopeless at.

Well, Evans is here. She has our wands and is shaking her head at us. Maybe she feels threatened by the amount of hot arse there is in this school. Hers is probably not so hot. Not that I would look. Gross.

"How could you blokes _all _forget your wands?" She scolded us at first, but we gave her pathetically sad faces so she stopped. Good. I didn't want to hear her whining.

All the girls are sad we're leaving. I promised them we'll come back soon and they laughed. They don't believe me. I don't believe myself. Why would I ever come camping here again?

Last snog with Emily. Then we're going to have to go.

**DAY 7, Home**

We all Apparated to my flat just because mine's the biggest. Everyone collapsed and fell asleep. Even Evans. I feel tired too. I'm going to go to sleep soon. Just wrapping up this journal.

Thus ends the Marauders' Failed Camping Trip '78. Never again may it happen.

Now let me get some sleep.

_fin._

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><p>I hope you enjoyed the story! I know I loved writing this!<p> 


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